The judge may not give the abusive person a restraining order against you even if they ask for one. But sometimes abusive people are able to get orders against the people they abused. This is because the first time they go to court, the judge only hears their side of the story. The abusive person might lie, twist the story around, and act like the victim to get the judge to issue a restraining order against you.

If the abusive person got a temporary restraining order against you, the police come to your house and give you a copy of the order. The front page of the order tells you what court it came from. Look at the second page. There is a box that tells you the date and time of the next hearing. It should be within the next 2 weeks.

Note: The police only give you a copy of the actual restraining order. They don’t give you the paperwork or affidavit (statement) the abusive person filled out to ask for the order. You have a right to know what they said to try to get the restraining order against you. You should go to the courthouse to get a copy of the affidavit. See How do I defend myself against a restraining order? for more information about this.

Sometimes a judge sets up a “two-party hearing” before giving the other person a restraining order. This means that the judge wants to hear your side of the story before deciding if they want to give the other person a restraining order. You might get a paper in the mail that says “Notice of Hearing” at the top. It also says the name of the court, the name of the other person, and your name. It says that there is a hearing scheduled for a certain date and time. Go to this hearing so you can defend yourself against the order they are trying to get against you.
 

It is important to take a restraining order against you seriously, because:

• It is dangerous for you. If the other person has a restraining order against you, the police may think you are the abusive one.  The abusive person may call the police and get you in trouble by saying you violated their order.
• If you and the abusive person have restraining orders against each other, the police may not know what to do when there is a problem. You might have trouble getting the police to arrest the abusive person for violating your order.
• If the abusive person gets a restraining order against you, it takes attention away from their own abusive behavior. It makes it seem like the domestic violence was your fault as much as it was their fault.
• The abusive person can use the restraining order against you in other courts, like the family court.

It is important to defend yourself against a restraining order so the abusive person can’t hurt you by using the system that was set up to protect you.

• Try to talk to an advocate or lawyer before the hearing to help you prepare.
• Make sure you read the affidavit (statement) the other person wrote to ask for the restraining order against you before you go into the courtroom. This tells you what the other person says you did that was abusive. The judge reads this before court too. Go to the clerk’s office at the court and tell them someone tried to get a restraining order against you. Ask for a copy of the affidavit that they wrote when they asked for the restraining order. If anything they wrote is not true, you can tell the judge.
• Go to court on the date of the hearing.
• Because the other person asked for a restraining order against you, they get to talk to the judge first during the hearing. If you also filed for a restraining order against them and the judge is listening to both cases, you might go first. See below for more information about mutual restraining orders.
  
  It might be hard to listen to what the other person says you did to them. They might lie. Try to stay calm and focus on telling the judge what you need to when it is your turn.
   
• When it is your turn, tell the judge what really happened. Tell the judge if anything the other person said is not true. Show the judge any proof you have of this. Tell the judge:
  • If you never physically hurt or tried to physically hurt the person who abused you.
  • If you never made the other person scared of being physically hurt by you, or
  • If you never made the other person have sex with you against their will.
    
    Remember that you are the victim of domestic violence. Tell the judge about the history of how the other person has abused or hurt you. Tell the judge if you have a restraining order against them or were the victim in any criminal cases now or in the past.
     
• Tell the judge why the other person is not afraid of you. Tell the judge if you think the abusive person is only trying to get an order against you to get back at you. Reasons for this might be:
  • Because you left them,
  • Because you have an order or criminal case against them,
  • Because they are trying to get custody, or
  • Because you have a new romantic partner. 
     

Judges have the power to give out mutual restraining orders. This means you both have a restraining order against each other. The judge should only give out mutual restraining orders if they believe that you both have abused each other and are truly in danger from each other.

If the judge does issue an order against both of you, they must write down the facts that made them decide you are both in danger from each other. The judge's written report of these facts are called "findings." If the judge gives the other person a restraining order against you, go to the court and ask the clerk’s office for a written copy of the findings. You may want to show them to a lawyer or advocate and think about filing an appeal.

Sometimes abusive people try to get criminal charges issued against their victims. They might do this by making a police report or by going to court and filing a criminal complaint against you.

You might get a notice from the court saying that you have to come to court for a “Clerk Magistrate” hearing because of what the abusive person is saying you did. Take this very seriously. You may want to find a lawyer to help you with this hearing. If you win this hearing you can keep criminal charges off your record.

If you are arrested or charged with a crime because of something the abusive person reported, you have the right to a lawyer. If you can’t afford to hire a lawyer, the court should give you one. Tell your lawyer about the history of domestic violence and that you are the actual victim in the relationship. It is important to work with your lawyer to tell them the whole story so that they can talk to the District Attorney’s Office for you and advocate for you.

See Criminal Complaints for more information about what happens in criminal cases.