What if I want to talk to the abusive person or get back together?

No. The person who is named as the "defendant" on your restraining order is the only person who can violate the order. You can't violate the order that is against the other person. If you call or go see them because you need to talk about the kids or something else, you are not violating the order. But if the order is still active and says they can't contact you, they are violating the order if they talk to or see you.

You are not violating the order if you contact the defendant, but the defendant could tell the court that you contacted them. They could use this at the next hearing to argue that the order should not be extended any longer. A judge might not believe that you are afraid of the defendant if you have been contacting them.

The defendant could even file papers to ask the judge to end the order. They could say that you have been contacting them and are not afraid of them. But an order can’t be ended without a hearing. You have a chance to explain to the judge why you contacted the defendant.

If you want to get back together, or even just talk to the other person or see them, you can:

• Ask the court to change the order. The court can drop the "no contact" or “stay away” parts of the order but keep the "no abuse" part of the order. 
  Or
• Ask the court to “terminate” the order. This ends the order completely.

See How to change or end a 209A restraining order.

You can ask to change the restraining order to allow contact. You can ask the court to take away the parts that say “no contact” or “stay away.” The  order can still say that the defendant can't abuse you, but they won't get in trouble for contacting you or being near you. This type of restraining order is sometimes called a “No Abuse” order. You can also ask the court to drop other parts of the order, like ones dealing with contact with your kids. 

Look at your order and think about whether you would feel safe keeping or dropping parts of the order. Then go to the court that gave you the order and tell the clerk that you want to file a motion to change your order. 

See How to change or end a 209A restraining order to learn more about how to do this.

If you want to end your restraining order, ask the court to “terminate” it. You might want to do this if you have gotten back together with the other person. Sometimes people get orders terminated because they feel the order has put them in more danger.

You can get the order terminated any day during the court's regular business hours. Go to the court that gave you the order and tell the clerk that you want to end your restraining order.

See How to change or end a 209A restraining order to learn how to do this.

Important

The court checks your ID to make sure you are asking to end your own restraining order. You also have to see the judge. The judge asks you some questions to make sure you are not being pressured or threatened to end the order. If you ever want a restraining order again against the same person, you have to re-apply for the order.